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What are signs of emotional abuse in a long distance relationship?

[Serious] what are signs of emotional abuse in a long distance relationship?

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  2. If you feel like you’re in the right, but you’re not able to rationally compomrise, you might be getting abused.

  3. It’s emotional abuse when they try to make you feel guilty, conflicted, consistently wrong, and “not living up to their expectations.”

  4. 1. When they make you feel guilty for not phsyically being with them (by making you jealous or by constantly bringing it up).

    2. When they constantly make you sacrifice your time/give up your plans to talk to them (especially if you’re both on different time zones).

  5. When they flirt with other people, or sext, or do similar things and then justify it by saying it was because of long distance. They say it doesn’t count as cheating, and that you’re overreacting.

    It is okay if you’ve both agreed that this works in your relationship, but I’m talking about exculsive monogamous relationships.

    Other signs include pressurising you to meet even though you are unable to for valid reasons, getting upset if you’re having a good time with your friends and family, being passive aggressive and not communicating about anything but expecting you to read their mind, holding you to a much higher standard than they hold themselves to and so on.

  6. They frame your everyday plans through the lens of how it makes them feel

    Like don’t go to that party I just worry about you so much when you go out and it just makes me worry all night, about your safety because men are so dangerous, just don’t go

    Bullshit like that

  7. Repeatedly being given the silent treatment, being unreachable and switching off their phone frequently. If there’s a conflict, it helps to cool off for a bit. But cutting off communication to torture the other person is just bad.

  8. Storytime. So, I was in a long distance relationship with someone. Let’s call him John. John was extremely emotionally manipulative, which I didn’t realize at first. He used to date my friend, but she broke up with him because she realized that she wasn’t ready for a relationship. After that, me and him stayed friends for months before he finally confessed feelings for me and I decided to give him a chance since I kinda had feelings for him too. We dated for several months, but over time he got more and more distant, and didn’t put almost any effort into the relationship. I kept trying and trying to get him to open up to me more. It all eventually came to a head when I confronted him about the fact that he wasn’t putting any effort into a one sided relationship. I told him I would leave him if he didn’t change things. He agreed to change. We dated for a few more months and it continued to happen. I snapped and told him I was done, and that I wasn’t going to continue putting effort into something that was clearly one sided. He threatened to kill himself if I left. I got scared and stayed with him maybe two more months. I talked to my best friend and she helped me get to the point where I knew it was best to leave. I gathered up the courage and broke up with him, blocking him on every social media platform and blocking his number. Never heard from him again, but last I heard from a mutual friend, he hasn’t straightened up at all and is smoking weed and doing drugs more than ever, feeling sorry for himself. John, if you’re reading this, fuck you and your manipulation, I’m glad I left you and didn’t subject myself to more of your bullshit.

  9. When you make friends or want to develop connections outside of them, like joining a rec sport team or going out to eat with some new pals, your SO becomes angry or inconsolable that you’re not spending EVERY possible moment with them.

    Watched my friend, now partner, in that kind of relationship several years ago. She would constantly belittle him and blow up his phone whenever he’d make new friends or come play D&D with us. He’d have to leave in the middle of things to take her calls and get yelled at for “not prioritizing” her, when he really just wanted to spend a few hours once a week making friends.

    Needless to say, he’s much happier without her making him feel bad for knowing people who aren’t her.

  10. … and the money. If there’s not a partnership on getting together ( airfare etc) and one side is paying more than is equitable… you got a contractual relationship not an equitable one

  11. Holding the relationship hostage, threatening to break up with you over dumb shit, the silent treatment, guilt trips. Same as any relationship really, it’s just over the phone or text or skype.

  12. When they go offline and completely ignore you for a while because of something harmless you said.

    When they pressure you to send sexual picture / texts even if you aren’t comfortable with that (yet).

    When they gaslight you and insist you said things that you never said.

    When they insult or berate or lie to you.

    When they insult or hurt you, but somehow twist it and insist they are the victim.

    When they are overly jealous or controlling or try to separate you from your friends.

    Not abusive per se, but red flag material: when it is always about them and they don’t really care about you.

    When you constantly doubt yourself.

    Backhanded compliments, or telling you that they are as good as a partner as you could ever hope to get.

    Stories like „my ex said I was abusive and spread lies about me because she’s totally crazy“ – sometimes the ex is crazy, sometimes there was actually lots of abuse going on.

    When the whole relationship revolves around them seeking a) validation or b) entertainment.

    Edit: mobile, sorry for formatting

  13. Emotional abuse will be the same if you are distant or close.

    In general I think most long distance relationships are doomed from the beginning.

    When one party is made to feel guilty because they have a social life it’s already on a slippery slope. Human interaction is core to any relationship and is they aren’t getting it from the person they should they will get it elsewhere.

  14. Eh men and women can be quite different as the perpetrators on this one.

    With Men I’ve seen mostly words and action to make the girl feel as though she isn’t enough for them. It makes the girl more submissive and less likely to question the actions of the man.

    Making them feel dumb or ugly or unaccomplished.

    I’ve not seen too much of women doing it so I won’t take a stab at that side.

  15. Making you use a location-tracking app, and being forced to have the location functionality on at all times so they can see where you are at all times, then accusing you of cheating or doing something behind their back if you turn it off.

  16. When they ghost you without warning.

    My ex suddenly stopped replying to me for six months(!!) and I eventually found out she was cheating on me.
    (In retrospect I should have dropped her at the third month but I was young and dumb and kept justifying it as being busy with school)

  17. If they often make sure that you are staying loyal.
    If they make you feel guilty for being far away.
    If the things they say are passive aggressive or negative.

  18. actually yesterday. Since ive had quite short life so long this is it. I was on rowing race with my club and it was raining all day. I was supposed to be at 7 races minimum in the rain, at the last race we had to wait in the rain after being on rain for 7 hours straight in short sleeve shirt and really short shorts, for the rest of the racers to come to the start and had to wait for them just about one and a half minutes. Wind started blowing plus the rain. Thought i would freeze.

  19. Every problem they had was my problem. A problem I had was mine and mine only.

    Leaving on read and ghosting for a while when they didn’t get their way. Getting super mad if after responding to them you left your phone for more than 10 minutes.

    Complaining about not making effort monetarily to meet up when you have no job and are practically in debt.

    Threatning with suicide and breaking off the relationship over any little mistake.

    Expecting me to post my face on social media more often, which I never have liked or done much, and being pissed off about it.

    Then the basic abusive things, such as calling names and when confronted about it playing the victim, being overly involved in my business.

    Those were some things I encountered.

  20. When they make you feel guilty about spending time with people you are near (friends/family). Big red flag.

  21. My ex girlfriend was long-distance and mentally and emotionally abusive. When you start feeling so done that it’s even a drag to talk to them. I blocked out a lot from that relationship but I remember hitting such a low that, when I went to school one day, I broke down crying. I couldn’t keep myself together any longer. That was years ago and I am glad I got out of that.

  22. They will get possessive of your time.

    – look up all your close friends, where you work etc. all the conversations you’re having about them can be used against you when you stop answering the phone

    – everything you do is wrong because you did so without her. She will lash back at you for this.

    – the relationship you’ve created has no relevance to reality. You talk about how life will be together but it’s pure fantasy. You know what she wants you to know and anything bad you discover you have to pardon .. because that’s love.

    – this is pissing me off just writing it. Dude, dtb. Be with someone who is real .. don’t get comfortable living in the fantasy. Time is precious and you’re wasting on her. Be with someone you can bring out every night or do something’s with.

  23. Early signs of abuse in my queer experience is that they start “playful arguments” often, insist that taking the piss out of you is just their type of humor even though they don’t laugh when you try and return the favor, rely on “brutal honesty” that targets your weak points but expect you to be courteous of their weak points because they “have it worse”, when they feel like shit they try and treat you like a therapist while either ignoring you when you feel like shit or constantly coming up with excuses like “sorry I was/am busy” or “I just don’t know what to say” or they only ever say shit like “oof” or “yikes” or “that sucks” (and yell at you for doing the same), and finally they usually have firm guidelines for you to follow or hard opinions on / expectations for their relationship (I’ll only date you if / When you propose you better / Etc). On that last note they also tend to decide things in the future early on – saying “when we’re married, when we live together, when we have kids, you’re gonna wear this, imagine you in X, etc” usually without consulting you and they normally don’t handle deviations from their plan or changes very well.

  24. If they haven’t replied to your message and it has been over a week, try using whatsapp so you can see if they’ve left you on read.

    If you are kind and caring but they don’t act the same.

    If you know anyone else in touch with them that they’ve been talking to but they haven’t spoken to you.

    If you tell them you are sad and they don’t do anything.

    If they say that something you are hurt about doesn’t matter.

    If you try to be serious and they ignore it.

    If you feel they don’t love you anymore.


    And last of all- even if it isn’t emotional abuse, if you feel like you no longer love them then you should leave anyway, but be kind.

  25. Possible signs are –

    1.Guilt tripping & Manipulation ,

    2.Humiliation, Negating & extreme criticism,

    3. Denial, control & shame ( knowledge about your inadequacies)

    4. Isolation & Neglect ( Emotions )

    5. Their personality towards you becomes highly toxic .

  26. My friend’s ex-boyfriend lives in another country, and wouldn’t let her follow any male celebrities. He would throw a hissy fit any time he found out because it apparently took attention away from him and made him feel like she would leave him. He would spend hours looking through her Instagram to make sure, and would demand all the passwords from any social media she made.

    Luckily, she dumped that baby and now she’s in a healthy relationship!

  27. When they sext/flirt and say it was “because they were lonely.” Or clearly doing it behind you’re back and you know for a fact they are up to it because they have tried flirting with you’re friends. I had a long distance relationship with a guy who had these issues. Whenever I confronted him he would yell at me and when I went to spend a few days with him he would go downstairs as he wanted “time alone” when he would just masturbate to other girls on cam. And when I went downstairs and caught him in the act he would say it wasn’t his fault.

    I used to make fake social media accounts when I was away from him to show him what he was doing was wrong or trying to get some answers out of him but then he would spread vile things about me to other people and make all of his friends come after me even though they knew he was cheating.

    It was a cancerous relationship which I was glad to get out of. Don’t make the mistake of staying with someone you think you love because its not worth it. I was in this situation from the age of 15 to 18 and it messed me up big time and gave me anxiety, depression and trust issues.

  28. When you have to consistently justify your partner’s horrible actions and feel like you’re slowly losing your self worth.

  29. As someone who was in a toxic relationship, sometimes they may try to say they cut themself or get abused by their parents to make you pity them, but never show any evidence
    altho people obviously do cut themself and get abused, not everyone does

  30. I am a teenager [16] and am not in a long distance relationship, however I happened to catch feelings for a few female acquaintances who live anywhere from the next state over to cross country.

    It sucks to have these feelings for someone who you can’t be with or experience anything with in person, it can feel very lonely and having the feeling that they can be saying this out of pity or can be saying the same thing to multiple people can be very discouraging to me.

    I’ve only ever had one serious relationship (6 months long – in person) and trust was a very vital part, but it’s a difficult and different type of trust and commitment to make long distance, especially when you have only good intentions and hopes for your adversary.

    Do not get me wrong, Long distance relationships can and do work, it takes a certain level of maturity to maintain it and actually keep it stable, however very few people have this mentality and it too is very discouraging.

  31. Constantly expecting you to stay on the phone at all times, notify of leaving, and then freaking out when you stay out too long or don’t give a notification. Also getting into arguments, making up, and then getting into the same argument a few days later. I was this way in my first relationship (which was ldr), but after breaking up, I realized how wrong my behavior was and worked to not do that again.

    Other signs can include:

    – getting angry that you have a life outside the relationship, also meaning that they get angry you don’t spend every free second of your day with them

    – excessive texts and calls to the point you can’t go 30 mins without your phone notifying they called/texted you

    – irrational jealousy towards anyone of the opposite sex (ie if you have a girlfriend, she’ll be jealous of every girl you know and vice versa with a boyfriend)

    – refusal to respect the need for privacy and solitude, something that even the most extroverted people will eventually need from time to time to regenerate socially

    – threatening self-harm or suicide if you don’t do whatever they want or if you can’t immediately drop whatever you’re doing to tend to them

    – whenever the relationship isn’t a perfect fairytale story (no matter how tiny the rock in the road is), they suggest/threaten to break up

    – refusal to take responsibility for their actions which may include blaming, gaslighting, and excuses

    – constant pressure to engage in phone sex activities even when you say you are not comfortable with that

  32. Also I just wanna add in something I over looked and am just now looking back on. She told me a few times she needed constant attention and validation and I thought that was because she came from abusive/absent parents, but she had a tinder account and refused to delete it because she said she enjoyed the attention she received from others. Also when I pointed out how problematic she was, she claimed that maybe I was the one always looking for a fight and said I had issues with everyone in my life. Just talking out of her ass

  33. They constantly blame everything on you. Arguments last for days, if not even week. And they can get blown way out of proportion.
    Guilt tripping even when it isn’t your fault.
    Pushing you into things you don’t like and when you don’t end up doing it, they start to victimize themself.
    Constant insults. They can also threaten to end the relationship if you don’t do X for them.
    The relationship can become a fucking mess and a cycle of happy and sad episodes. One day you are on good terms, the other you argue until no end. And it’s always for the most stupid things ever. And it’s never their fault.
    If you feel more sadness, depression rather than happiness, you should leave ASAP. Just block and move on. Don’t look back.

  34. Gaslighting.
    Move here or I’m ending it.
    Constant hounding when you don’t respond to a text or a video request fast enough.
    Not respecting that you sometimes have obligations to family and friends.
    Demanding video sex or sexual messages/pictures.
    The fact that you’re asking this question.
    I could go on.

    I just thought of another one. Over possessive. You get on video chat, they immediately ask why you’re wearing certain clothes or makeup. Who are you trying to impress? Am I not good enough? Etc etc. Get out while you can.

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